We’re Coming Out…
I’m not going to beat about the proverbial bush, great choice of pun as you’ll soon see… I’m now in a relationship with a woman!!!
Can you guess who?? You never will. Most people that know us both would never have put us together in a million years because we are so different in many ways. People have almost fallen over with shock as they didn’t even realise we were close friends, let alone soul mates, lovers or future wives!!!
Well, it’s Lea. Do you remember her? I think I once told you about her briefly because I had googled her and found her somewhat terrifying!
Well after meeting at a Women’s meal I organised I was still too terrified of her and we didn’t actually start getting to know each other until we met, several years later at the same forest school.
We then started talking properly on Messenger, not the superficial bollocks that you know I struggle with but ‘deep’ conversations!
No-one else knew, and although we got on really well I was still too scared to do much with her socially in case she saw too much of the real me and found me wanting. Yes, I know, TEDIARSE!
Then in the summer she invited me to a mini festival she and her husband were having in the grounds of their cottage. I think I knew by this stage that I was attracted to her but I couldn’t admit it to myself for many reasons. There were a few moments over the course of that festival weekend that didn’t go unnoticed to my conscious mind. I wanted to talk to her, and just her, for as long as I could, I didn’t want to go home, oh and I walked in on her in the shower!! (Come on, who leaves their ground floor bathroom door unlocked whilst wet and naked with a field full of festival goers roaming around ffs??!! Especially when some of them are un-outed lesbians).
Despite this, and the fact that I’d never felt like this about any other female friends, it never really crossed my mind that we would have anything but friendship as she was married, I was in a relationship, we had four young children between us and I presumed she was straight!
I had no idea she had set an intention to be with a woman earlier that same year, that she thought she was gay or that events would bring us together…and soon!
Cue a late night conversation where she disclosed that she had had a very ‘near miss’ with a female friend several years earlier, followed by a trip to the cinema with the kids that resulted in an explosive touch of our elbows as we sat next to each other in the dark.
But elbowgate was just the pinnacle of feelings, desires and emotions that had been deeply buried in both of us for a very long time.
Don’t misunderstand me, these feelings weren’t JUST sexual. They were about the longing for and utter joy of finding someone who really sees you, can offer you love, intimacy, connection and the potential to grow together.
And that is exactly what we have found together.
All for now, hope I haven’t blown your mind too much!! x
So I have some news! Becky and I are together together 🙂 Am thinking it’s probably not a huge surprise to you, given some of the other ‘experiences’ in my life that haven’t ever amounted to anything but do, I guess, point to a pattern I’ve been a part of creating…
Have I always been gay? Yes, I think (know!) so. Remember the school girl crushes I worked hard to hide? The bout of depression at 17 when I knew I wasn’t brave enough to come out and follow the path I knew I should have? Or the constant itch I thought was some sinister disease but was, I’m now quite sure, an itch I hadn’t yet scratched…quite literally?!?!
Remember I told you a few months ago that I’d set a specific intention but didn’t quite tell you what? Well, the main thing behind the intention was that I couldn’t continue living the lifestyle I was in…a 300-year old cottage in the country? A Volvo in the driveway?!? NOT the life I’d ever imagined I’d live and it felt so very far away from what I knew I really wanted which, when I finally admitted it to myself, was to be in a relationship with a woman.
So that was the intention I set: To be in a loving, intimate relationship with a woman, who probably had her own children so she’d understand what that meant and how it impacted life.
And lo and behold, 5 months later, Becky and I got together 🙂
I think most of our friends have been utterly shocked and didn’t see it coming AT all. I don’t think many of them really knew we were friends, yet alone close enough friends for something like this to happen.
Although we saw each other at forest school on odd occasions, most of the time we’ve been FB messaging but it’s not ever been on that kind of basis or level either, though we have always had deep and intimate conversations about what was going on for us each.
I think I really started to twig at FernFest (did you get the photos I sent?). Might have been the fact she barged in on me in the shower on the last day or that she wouldn’t go home until everyone else had gone!!?!?!
And then when we went to the cinema a week later and had ‘elbowgate’ – a bolt of electricity when our elbows inadvertently (yeah right, Becky) touched – it was obvious there was, and I think always has been, something more between us.
So…I’m finally ‘out’. After 39 years!
More later x